Between a struggle and living


I was thinking the headline of my topic for a while and decided to stick with this one.
I haven’t published my post with three awards I have been nominated for just because headline says it all. I hope I will post that somewhen later, but anyway thank’s for nominations.

While not posting everyday or even once in a week doesn’t mean that my intentions have changed, it means that I have been thinking a lot. Especially last two weeks while I’m struggling with some kind of panic attack. I got accustomed with these attacks, but this one seems longer than those before and it makes me feel as a crap.
I decided to take a private lessons and help those kids to understand school subjects better, but now I have lost myself and belief in myself. No need to say that I have stopped taking lessons.

I started to feel sick on one evening and thought it’s just a cold, will sleep and everything will be okey, but no.. It’s hard to watch on food especially after I have had a meal, just because I’m human and I can be sometimes hungry, too. After that I cannot watch on food and enjoy social life, just because I’m afraid of myself and worried I could fall to the ground from sickness.. If You will type in google “emetophobia” then You will understand..
I think it’s all because of stress, but otherwise I don’t know what happens. I don’t feel like me, but hopefully healing massages will help me to find my way through these obstacles. I have a lot to do for others and need to help them and don’t want to stop this right now.

What’s the point of this topic? This is just a topic of my thoughts and conclusions. And the conclusion is that You should try to understand especially Your loved ones whenever they say they feel bad. You should say to him/her that everything will be more than OK, even if You are not sure, but he or she should not see doubts in Your eyes. It’s right time to turn to Your loved ones and say You truly love them, because You don’t know what will be tommorow. It’s not a shame to die tommorow, it’s a shame to die and understand You haven’t done all You could for Your loved ones. I wish I had enough power to do my best for others. But need to continue.. to believe.. again.


Peace and love..

Anorexia – how it changed my life


It’s not so long time ago when I posted my first blog post here, but the aim of this blog is to show you what I went through and how I live now. As you probably noticed from the headline – the story will be about anorexia.

I guess everyone is heard at least once what is anorexia about. If no, then I will explain. Typical explanation would be: anorexia is an eating disorder characterized by a low weight, fear of gaining weight, a strong desire to be thin, and food restriction. Anyway, I had nothing about fear of gaining weight or strong desire of being thin. Nothing like that. It would be awesome if I could get some weight, but it didn’t happen. Actually it was fear of vomiting. That would be the best explanation in this case. In the very beginning I was just afraid, but later – it was not possible for me to eat anything. I did not want to eat not even of fears but there was not physiologic willingness. Maybe that’s why I was the first person in doctors life with these symptoms.. just because I had not common features. That’s why I felt so alone in whole world. I started to lose weight and at my lowest point I weighted only 30 kg which was amazingly low weight and at any time I could die. (more…)